Every time I get shot

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I think the worst part about being human is that you don't get to choose the life you live. It's your life, shouldn't you have any say in it, except that you really don't. I mean, most of the time. And still worse, you don't know what's going on inside your own body, what's crawling under your own skin, what's flowing into your own blood, what's happening to your DNA day in day out, whether your genes are still the way you got them from your mom dad or have they mutated to invite some unlikely guest. Isn't being a stranger to your own self an irony when you advocate the crowd out there? Think about it.

Every Sunday as I walk through those white corridors and make my way towards OPD to get another shot, another chance at life or may be just a few more days of comfort, all these thoughts run through my mind. How I reduced to a pill-popping, sad-looking girl from being a chirpy, fun-loving girl? Why me? Everyone tells me to take it easy and be happy. What do you think? I don't want to? That I chose pills and sadness over happiness? You know what? Easily said than done. I would trade anything in this world to be chirpy and fun-loving again. There are days when I am. Then, there are days when I fall into a swirl that seems to swallow me to the bottom.

This is not the end yet. Those 5 seconds of pain when the nurse injects the life potion into me are just the beginning of a day full of pain and fatigue. Its like, in order to heal me that potion inflicts poison in every part of my body that leaves me bed ridden for the whole day. Its one of those days when those uninvited guests that MS brought with it, decide to pay you a visit to catch up for the lost time. Like I wrote recently, MS is never alone, it brings with it depression, anxiety, pain, fatigue, and what not. Its a package. They say, if you can't beat them, be a part of them. Except that they become a part of you. They come in the form of thoughts mostly. How do you beat them? You can't. You just try to manage them along with managing the pain.

Its a constant battle that you keep winning and losing thousand times in a day, till you decide to call it quits. You just keep reminding yourself that this too shall pass. This is life anyway and nobody came out of it alive so why stress about fighting to just stay alive. If you have to fight, fight to live, to breathe and to do what makes it worth fighting for.

And so my friends, this is my journey of thoughts, every time I get shot.

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